Coffee vs Pop: What Your Choice Of Caffeine Says About You


Drugs: they’re everywhere. Not just rock concerts, not just in dark alleyway exchanges, not just in that abandoned house that’s currently hosting an electronic dance music raver and not even just in Cities and Towns the world over. No, drugs are everywhere, and one of the most powerful ones out there is readily available (legal) for purchase at every watering hole and convenience store you come across.

You’ve surely deduced that what I’m getting at is the overwhelmingly powerful drug that is caffeine. Yes, caffeine is that legal drug that swoops into your head, picks up your brain, spins it on its finger like a basketball then shoots your brain in a high arcing three-pointer resulting in a glorious swish, but immediately culminates in a less than desirable crash to the floor.

Sports metaphors aside, caffeine is highly addictive and serves your body up to the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. People all around you are on caffeine during most hours of the day. Look to your left. Look to your right. Look in the mirror. You’ve probably encountered someone on caffeine by doing so, if not 100% of the faces you saw.

Caffeine is typically associated with that of coffee drinkers. The grumpy-faced percentage of the population who are too sleepy to function until they’ve gotten their fix and just as grumpy after they’ve spent most of their working hours rushing off to the toilet.

This is true, but what about the other half of caffeine consumers in the marketplace, that of soft drink drinkers? Those whose beverage of choice comes in a cup labeled small, but is often enough liquid to quench the thirst of entire villages (well, quenching is a loose term here). These may be some of the biggest druggies there are out there in terms of intake.

What happens when you stack these two different caffeine fiends up against one another? What is the difference between an incessant coffee drinker and a soda connoisseur? That and more will be dissected on this installment of:

“So-and-So vs. Such-and-Such: Judging Your Daily Habits”


Let’s first start with coffee, something I have a particularly vast knowledge of. Not because I’m a snob who prefers different blends, or because I own a French press (I don’t) or anything like that. I have a vast knowledge of coffee because I drink it everyday, and set up my office around it on a recurring basis.

“Coffee is the caffeine channel for channeling motivation.”

There’s a reason all places of business have an area designated to the coffee pot. There’s a reason so many quote unquote creatives flock to coffee shops to perfect their masterpieces before revealing them to the world (and it’s not just for the free WiFi). There’s a reason that so many people have coffee of a morning.

If your caffeine vice is adhered to through the drinking of coffee it’s clear the type of person you are is one that prefers autonomy, but is also coincidentally imprisoned by your own routines. You don’t want to do anything until you’ve had your coffee, not even the thing you love most. You’re completely motivated by whatever it is that you do, but you also need a boost from an invisible source to get you there.

If you take a peak into the minds of the coffee shop inhabitants, you’ll probably find they’re working on a screenplay or getting started on that novel (finally), but first they need a refresher of that coffee. Do the same in an office setting, and you might find an accountant thinking to themselves, “These spreadsheets are mind-numbing, but I can express them thanks to this espresso!”

Coffee drinkers, no matter what field of work they are in, can be considered that of “functioning-drug addicts.” You’ve heard terms like this throw around such as “functioning-alcoholics.” That guy is a drunk, but he blends into society somehow. You know, that sort of thing? *nervous gulps* When it comes to coffee drinkers, that’s exactly what you’re experiencing with their (legal) drug addiction.

“Soft drink, drinkers are just the opposite: running around with reckless abandonment in their caffeinated state.”

When it comes to people who turn to Pop for their caffeine surge (a reference to the sludge that was once a popular pop), you’re not looking at the working class person who just needs a little hit to the central nervous system to feel alive again. You’re encountering a person who took one hit, then thought, “That was good, but I think I could be higher and still do this thing called life.”

You’re looking at person who’s probably ingesting drugs alongside at minimum two meals a day, as well as for a snack and to trick themselves into thinking they’re quenching their thirst, when in fact all they’re doing is making themselves crave more.


Those who use fizzy drinks as their caffeine injector wake up with a headache until they have that first bump of the day, but see no problem with it. Their eyes are most likely wide-open (seriously, wide-the-fuck open) at all hours of the day, until it’s time for bed. They may even sleep with their eyes open.

A person who prefers to get caffeine from pop rather than coffee is in an all out addictive state walking among the rest of us wondering how close the nearest convenience store or concession stand is while trying to figure out the proper ice to soda ratio: a delusion of dilution proportions.

“Those who turn to both coffee and pop for a caffeine kick throughout the day can be spotted by their eyebrows being atop their forehead.”

These people should be avoided at all costs. Talking fast enough that you cannot understand what they’re thinking, these people look as if they’ve just seen a ghost with their eyebrows serving as bar graph-like measurements of just how much caffeine they’ve taken in.

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